Rantings of a Pyromaniac
by Eladard Kikur
Summary: A journal written by Roy in which he talks about being a part of the insanity known as Super Smash Bros. Melee
1. Sunday, May 30, 2004

**Disclaimer: The contents of this fanfiction does not reflect the views of the authoress. Any insulting(s) aimed at any of the mentioned character(s) is done solely by the main character of this fanfiction (Roy).**

* * *

Sunday, May 30, 2004  
  
I decided to keep a journal of my experiences at the Smash Mansion. Let me tell you, it's pretty cool, yet chaotic at times. It DOES resemble this TV show called The Real World, exnay the alcohol, cheating, and... you get the picture. BUT there's more fighting! What's a Smash Bros. without fighting? I'll tell you what: BOR-RING!  
  
Let me tell you a little about myself (no, I'm NOT vain! If you wanna see vain, go down the page a bit!). My name is Roy and I'm from Pherae, in the League of Lycia. I have fire-red hair that's all spiked all over the place. I also have blue eyes. I'm pretty much your typical teenager, but not so typical in some ways.  
  
For example, how many typical teenagers do you know are generals? Yes, I'm a general! There was that one time when my father got real sick, so I had to take charge of his army. Since then, I'm been given the title of general.  
  
Also, how many typical teenagers do you know have _really_ unusual mixed ethnicities? I mean something like **half-dragon, half-human**. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking something along the lines, "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A GENETICALLY ALTERED HUMAN CLONE MONSTER GODZILLA FREAK OF NATURE THAT'S BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION BY CORRUPTING PEOPLE INTO FOLLOWING CRAZY LOW-CARBOHYDRATE NONSENSE LIKE THAT ATKINS STUFF!!!" I don't blame you. I DO get kinda weird reactions when I tell people that I'm half-dragon. The correct term for a half-dragon person is _mamkute_. No, I don't look like a Spung (I'm a Space Cases nutcase, so sue me!) at all; I look just like any other human being. I just can't stand cold weather. Just like a normal reptile (What? You didn't think that big bad dragons would fall under the reptile catagory?).  
  
Wanna know a really weird thing about me? I have pyromania. No, it's not some horrible incurable disease that'll leave me severely bedridden. Pyromania is an uncontrollable urge to set things on fire. I've always been fascinated by fire for who knows how long. That doesn't mean that I'm schizophanic or a criminal or any other negative lables. I just really like fire alot.  
  
Ok, I've just heard a certain _girl_ who's reading over my shoulder call me "vain" for writing four paragraphs about myself. Lemme introduce you to my "genderly challenged" best friend, Marth. This is where you should start reading at if you're looking for vain-ness. Why'd I call Marth "genderly challenged"? Well, although he's a guy, he gets mistakened for a girl a lot (i.e. many times a day, every single day in his entire life). Plus acting _very_ femimine doesn't quite help him when he tells people that he's a boy. Scary thing is that one of his three favorite colors is pink. IT'S TRUE! According to Marth, they are "Cobalt blue, Gothic black, and Kirby pink". KIRBY PINK?! I guess he means a really girly shade of pink. Oh, and he always, ALWAYS fluffs his hair! Quite girly, if you ask me. Hahahahaha--Ow! I just got slapped by a girly-b-- STOP IT!!! Geez, that hurts!  
  
If you get a dictionary and look up the word "vain", you'll see Marth's picture next to it. Yes, he's SUPER, SUPER vain! Don't believe me? Well then, take a look at this: He carries one of those dumb little compact make- up things because they have a mirror in them so that he can look at himself wherever he goes.STILL don't believe me? He has an anxiety attack whenever his hair gets even SLIGHTLY messed up, if he gets a tiny scratch or mark on his face, if his clothes get SLITGHTLY dirty, etc.  
  
Speaking of that last one, that reminds me of another funny thing about ol' Marth(a). He's a major, MAJOR neat-freak. I'm talking about The Neat-Freak of Spooky Doom From Heck. His motto is "Order! Order, I say!". I believe he said that to me one time. I mean, he yelled that at me to straighten something up. I think he needs to check himself into an asylum because that's just not right. He just retorted with "Oh, so you're saying that randomly setting fire to stuff is completely normal? As if!". Ow! And he just hit me again!  
  
Think Marth's the only crazy one here? That's where you're sooooooooo wrong! All the Smashers are nuts! Luigi thinks he's neglected because his older brother Mario is the star. Link has a little Mini-Me running around (raising Heck, no doubt). Mewtwo is an evil Psychic Pokémon who's Dr. Phil by day (He works as a "psychologist" while Dr. Mario is the main doctor) and some crazed dictator-wannabe by night. Mr. Game & Watch... well, let's just say that there's nothing sane about a 2-D person who's cooking can give indigestion to Yoshi and Kirby (and myself!). Zelda's a tomboy who goes by the alias "Shiek" when she's dressed as a boy. Samus... oh my God, DON'T get me started on her "Magical Girl Pretty Sammy" nonsense! (I've read her online journal once and her username's "Magical Girl Pretty Sammy". That's kinda where I got the idea of keeping a (off-line) journal.)  
  
I think I'll write in this later. I'll jot down something interesting if it comes up. I think I'll keep this nice bright red gel pen. This belongs to Marth, though. He has TONS of gel pens in different colors. I'm quite fond of this red one, though. I'll just stick it in my pocket (with the little packet of matches I always keep in there) and he'll never know... G'Night! 

—Roy

* * *

{In a neater handwriting written in pink ink} 

Bah, Roy's just making stuff up about me. I'm **NOT** girly AT ALL! Plus there's no law saying that it's illegal for a man to like pink. If there was, then it should also say that it's illegal for a woman to like blue (to keep it even).

—Marth


	2. Monday, May 31, 2004

Monday, May 31, 2004  
  
{In minute writing}  
  
OH MY GOD!!! GIYGAS KEPT KNOCKING OUT PIP AND CALI AND BRUTE HAD TO ALTERNATE IN REVIVING HIM WITH PSI HEALING OMEGA BECAUSE WE COULDN'T AFFORD TO LOSE PIP BECAUSE HE HAD THE HEAVY BAZOOKA!!! WE LOST JANE SO WE COULDN'T USE PRAYER AGAIN AND THEN WE LOST BRUTE THEN CALI GOT PARALYZES WITH ONLY 1 PP AND PIP HAD ONLY 1 HP!!! THEY GOT OUTTA THERE AND PIP CARRIED CALI TO TE PHASE DISTORTER BUT AN EVIL STARMAN USED PSI STARSTORM OMEGA AND PIP WAS GONE AND IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!  
  
{In a slightly neater writing}  
  
Looking at that last paragraph, I've just learned that there are certain games you should never, EVER play late at night (e.g. Earthbound). It was a horrible nightmare, so real too. The Chosen Four were people I knew, which made the dream worse. I was Cali, Lilian was Jane, Marth was Pip, and Hector was Brute. Grrrr... Marth's laughing at the names, especially Pip's. He thought that was funny when I was screaming "DON'T DIE, PIP! HANG IN THERE, PIP! NOOOOOO!!! PIP!!!". About the names I gave my characters, they're from different books I've read in my AP Litature classes. Cali is short for Caliban (he's from The Tempest), Jane is from Jane Eyre, Pip is from Great Expectations (which is, in my humble opinion, **THE WORST BOOK EVER!!!**), and Brute is short for Brutus (from Julius Ceasar) Marth thinks that it's soooo funny that I was crying over a character that I absolutely hated. I'll get him back for that...  
  
Ness is freaking out about a "Mr. Saturn communism takeover". He's saying that one of the Mr. Saturns is plotting to take over the world and establish a communist government for the whole world. Ness claimed that he found out after using his psychic powers to read the Stalin-wannbe's mind. Is it just me or does high tempteratures screw up psychic powers? I've yet to see Mewtwo lose his marbles.  
  
Oh, wait. Scratch that last remark. Mewtwo is yelling (psychicly) at the TV because Dr. Phil is on. He's all like "You're WRONG! That's the WORST advice you've ever given! I've looked up to you and you've dissapointed me! HOMEWRECKER!!!" Sometimes I wished that I was psychic. Right now's not one of those times.  
  
I think that there's a massive heat stroke going around here today. First Ness, than Mewtwo. What other (in)sane person will fall victim next? Captain Falcon is looking through the classified ads. That's cool. That's NOT cool! I just asked him what's he looking for and he goes "I wanna buy a MOOSE! I'm looking to see if someone's selling a moose! Moosey-moosey- moosey!" That's to be expected. He's never been sane. Here's a tidbit: His full name is Douglas J. Falcon. _Douglas?!?_ Weird, he looked like a Zachary to me...  
  
GOD HELP MEEEEEE!!! Mr. Iron-Chef-Wannabe is cooking today! That means only one thing: TAKE-OUT! Or "Near-Death Experience" if you happen to be unfortunate enough to eat his cooking. This is what everyone's getting:  
  
The Mario Bros. and Dr. Mario— pizza

Peach, Zelda/Shiek, and Magical Girl Pretty Sammy (MGSP) (a.k.a. Samus)— Mexican  
  
Kirby and Yoshi— everything

Ganon(dork), Bullwinkle, DK, and Bowser— steak sandiwiches

Nana, Popo, Ness, and Young Link (Mini-Me)— McDonald's Happy Meals

Fox, Falco, the Pokémon, Link— Jack-in-the-Box

Mr. Iron-Chef-Wannabe— cheese (Don't ask me. The dude's off his rocker. He tries to kill us with his cooking, then he wants a hunk of cheese from the grocery store. {in blue ink} Ick! He likes the _yellow_ cheese, which isn't as good as white cheese. Mozarella rocks! {in red ink} Marth's a cheese racist, so don't mind him...)

Marth(a)— Tasty Goody (there's a Mr. You-Express, which is a LOT closer than Tasty Goody, but Marth's SUPER picky. It's either Tasty Goody or face the wrath of Marthzilla. You don't wanna face the wrath of Marthzilla, you REALLY don't, trust me, been there, done that...)  
  
As for moi, I'm getting: Super-sized fries from McDonald's, Oreo Milkshake from Jack-in-the-Box, Chicken Sandwich from Burger King, and a steamed rice/orange chicken/lemon chicken combo thing from Tasty Goody. I'll definately get about 4 orders of the above. Whaaaaaat?! Don't look at me like that! I'm starvin' here! Another quirky thing about being half- dragon/half-human: I get hungry quite often and the hunger is _really_ unbearble. I haven't seen that happen to my mom at all (She's a mamkute like moi). Perhaps it's just a guy-mamkute thing. That would also explain why she's not a pyromaniac like me...  
  
Bleh, nothing's happening right now. Boring. I NEED SOME EXCITEMENT! A LITTLE BIT OL' INSANITY IS ALL I ASK FOR!!! Ow! Marth just threw a pillow at me. It's nighttime. Almost time to hit the hay. NOT **literally** hit, Martha! This is sheer joy. Having a pillow fight while exchanging names like "Cheese Nazi" and "Godzilla". Whoopity-doo. Now Marthy's crying because I messed his hair up. Better break out the ice cream! By the looks of his hair, I think he'll need that big ol' bucket of ice cream rather than the smaller half gallon. Peanut Butter and Fudge's his weapon of choice.  
  
Interesting. I'm rooming with a girly-boy who'll pig out on ice cream like crazy when he's depressed (all because I messed up his hair). At least I'm not stuck with that homicidal cheese-loving Iron Chef-disgrace or Moosey- Boy or MGSP or Paul Revere who's saying "The Communist Mr. Saturns are coming!" or... you get it. I'm going to sleep now. Let's hope that Giygas doesn't kill me in my dream or something. I'm afraid to find out if it's true that if you die in your dream then you'll die in real life. ...NOW I CAN'T SLEEP! Better break out the Starbucks card! Some days, a venti _just_ won't do.  
  
—Roy


	3. Tuesday, June 01, 2004

Tuesday, June 01, 2004  
  
{In an unsteady handwriting}  
  
So HAPPY! Happy Happy Joy Joy! Gah! I'm shaking SO badly! I can barely write clearly! Mario's saying that this reminds him of one of his friends' handwriting. According to Mario "It was so messy that it's IMPOSSIBLE to read it AT ALL!" I didn't hear what else he said because it's, like, INSANE to try to sit still here! I think I heard "Prince" or something like that, but I think it's the {scribble} sugar talking.  
  
**IT'S MY BOITHDAY, DUCK! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
**  
Cakes and ice creams and loads of good ol' sugary snacks fit for a half-and- half nutcase like moi! THAT explains why I can't stay still for more than a third of a nano second! Be back, I need to kill off some pent-up energy that the sugar rush is giving me.  
  
THE ENERGIZER BUNNY HAS COMPLETE CONTROL OVER ME!!!  
  
Translation: Still hyper.  
  
It's so weird how when it's your special day, people treat you like you're the center of the universe, but for the rest of the year they don't do that! Of course, there's _some_ people who get treated like this _everyday_... I'm not naming names here. OK! I'll tell! It's...  
  
**MR. BOOTS!**  
  
Yess, my precious bundle of joy! Whaaaaat?! Cats are meant to be pamered! It's so cool how he looks like a mini panda. Mostly black with some white on his face, tip of his tail, and his paws. I _KNOW_ Marth wants to {scribble} **CAT**nap him! Mr. Boots looks like a panda and pandas are Marth's _favorite_ animal! Must-Save-Tactitian-Kitty!  
  
Where was I? When I'm hyper, I can never stay on the same subject. I've read some fanfics and I'm COMPLETE apalled by those evil Marth/Roy fics that are all evil and disgusting and stuff! I just have ONE thing to say to all of you evil Marth/Roy couple yaoi fangirls bent on world domination! It's: **WHY'D THEY FORCE US AP LITATURE STUDENTS TO READ GREAT EXPECTATIONS?!? WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYY?!?** And another question to you guy-- err... GIRLS: **WHY'S PIP SO EVIL AND ANNOYING?!?**  
  
See?! My sugar-high mind can't think straight! First I'm yelling at yaoi fangirls and then I'm plotting to kill Pip. If Marth plays "Battle of Shiloh" one more time... He'll have one less CD. WHERE'D HE GET THOSE BAND NERD CDS AT?! And I thought that he _hated_ the clarinets! He's really listening to "Clarinet Candy" and laughing because (it seems that) they play the _reeeeeeeally_ high notes! He's saying that the notes are all over the place. Mmm... reminds me of a Looney Tune cartoon with that red note that got drunk off "Little Brown Jug".  
  
OHMYGAWD!!!! JACKPOT!!! GUESS WHAT?! I GOT "POKÉMON COLLOSIUM"!!! I'M GONNA GO PLAY IT RIGHT NOW!!! NIGHTY-NIGHT, ROAD RULERS!  
  
P.S. I can't even write straight anymore due to my sugar high-ness. Darn! I'm starting to lose my suagr rush! NEED. MORE. SUGAR! GAAAAHHH!  
  
—Roy

* * *

{In neater writing in blue ink}  
  
Too much sugar makes for a trip to the dentist... =)  
  
—Marth


	4. Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Wednesday, June 02, 2004  
  
God, I'm SO tired! Tired, yet extremely pleased with all that I've accomplished during the night. You see, I spent the whole night playing my brand-new "Pokémon Collosium". Wait, before I get on to that, I should tell what I got for my b-day!  
  
•Pokémon Collosium AND Player's Guide: Marth (What a great guy/girl! =))  
•Good Charlett CD: DK (I've never heard of these people before. Cool, though)  
•Red quilted blanket: Nana  
•Red parka: Popo (Now I can stay warm and toasty during my _least_ favorite season! Indoors AND out!)  
•Gift card for Olive Garden: Mario (...I'm craving pasta now)  
•A Mercedes-Benz: Luigi?! (Trying to top Mario's gift, no doubt!)  
•A kitty sweater: Peach (For Mr. Boots. I tried it on and... you know what happened next)  
•A manga called Medicine for Lovers Only: Samus (She's a manga freak. Good thing it ain't a "Magical Girl"-type one)  
•**Cheese**cake: Mr. Game & Watch (Is this guy obsessed with cheese or what?! Quite tasty, though)  
•Red tunic: Link (As you can tell, red's my favorite color)  
•Season pass for the Anahiem Angles!: Ness (The kid loves baseball! And he knows my favorite team too! JOYNESS!)  
•A Bowser Suit and Clown Ship: Bowser (Luigi started to cry after seeing Bowser top HIS gift! =P)  
•A container that has medicine that can cure any type of illness: Dr. Mario (Does it get rid of earworms caused by certain band nerdy CDs?)  
•Triforce earings with a tiara as well!: Zelda (Marth's jealous, no doubt)  
•Energy Shield: Falcon (Now I'm unstoppable! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!)  
•Warp Star with its own controller!: Kirby (Luigi went crazy)  
•A Bow with arrows: Ganon (I should get lessons from one of the archers in my army)  
•A Ray Gun and a fully-operational Arwing: Fox (The Arwing was too much for Luigi)  
•A card for a lifetime supply of Lon Lon Milk!: Young Link (All I need is a lifetime supply of cookies!)  
•A Yoshi Egg!: Yoshi (I was too sugar high to think of something for that)  
•A K-47 Forever-Lasting Flamethrower!: Falco (Does this guy know me or does this guy know me?! =D)  
•Season pass to the Dr. Phil show: Mewtwo (I think Luigi needs this more than I do)  
•The whole Pokemon game collection: Pichu (JOY!)  
•The whole Nintendo console and accessories collection: Pikachu (More JOY! Better hide this from Marth)  
•A kareoke machine: Jigglypuff (Everyone ran outta the room when I got this)  
  
THANK YOU, FELLOW SMASHERS!!! =) Luigi tried to do away with Bowser, Kirby, and Fox for topping his gift. Good thing Falcon didn't give me an F-Zero machine or he'd find himself on the hit list as well. It was SO funny when I got Zelda's gifts! Marth got SO jealous that I believe he's gonna try to steal them from me. I think Marth wants all the stuff I got. Well, HE AIN'T GETTIN' MY STUFF! I'm gonna hide them! Oh, I don't have to worry about Game & Watch's gift falling into _Tsukasa_'s hands (I call Marth "Tsukasa", after the kid in Dot Hack Sign because they both look like girly-boys). Why I'm not worried? ::pats stomach:: Oh no... What if he uses Falchion on my gut? Maybe Falcon's gift'll save my hide (not to mention my gut as well).  
  
Ok, time to talk about my favorite gift! I had SO much fun with "Pokémon Collosium" that my daytime drowsiness and grogginess was all worth it! I named the dude and chick after my favorite people ("Roy" and "Lilian". OK! So Marth's vainness is rubbing off of me!). I finished kicking Miror B.'s behind when it was time for breakfast. I came up with the PERFECT names for his dancing Pokémon! "Mambo", "Salsa", "Samba", and "Tango". I think that Miror B.'s Pokémon are the right ones for him. He's some crazy dancing fool and his Pokémon look like they're dancing as well. His theme music was funny! I was expecting disco, not samba.  
  
I tried to copy B's (dancing) moves, only to fall over and (I _thought_) Marth woke up. He got up, left, then came back several minutes later. He's a sleepwalker. Talks in his sleep, walks in his sleep, even _eats_ in his sleep! To tell you the truth, he's even _more_ dangerous around food when he's sleepwalking than Kirby, Yoshi, or even _myself_!!! Not to mention a real {scribble in blue ink} Oops. Sorry, Marth! Don't! Stop! Please don't! **HE JUST TOOK MY TRIFORCE EARINGS AND TIARA!!!** See how mad he could get when you say something about him? **IT'S THE TRUTH, I TELL YAH!!!** I should learn Hyrulean for the safety of the stuff I put down here... just in case Marthzilla comes rampaging through again.  
  
—Roy


	5. Thursday, June 03, 2004

Thursday, June 03, 2004  
  
I. Am. Going. To. **_KILL_**. Marth! He was listening to the song "Strong Star Warrior" from the Kirby anime soundtrack (the Japanese one; the English one doesn't have most of the original music) on **FULL BLAST** and on **REPEAT**. Now I've got this cursed earworm no thanks to Miss Sneaky-Neat-Freak-Band-Geek! I know what you're thinking. You're like "OH NO, EARWORMS! GROSS! YUCK! BARF!". Nooo! "Earworm" is the medical (amazing, ain't it?) term for a song stuck in your head. Usually I get these stupid band geek songs stuck on repeat in my mind (usually "Sun Dance" "Antithigram", "Battle of Shiloh", "Celebrations", "Flight of the Pegasus" or the first movement of "Hebrides Suite"). Grrrrrr! I'll seek revenge! I _SWEAR_ I'll get you back for this, Marth(a) Lowell!  
  
Samus is running around with her stupid "Magical Pretty Sammy" craziness. I'm _surrounded_ by idiots!  
  
{In a childish scrowl in yellow ink}

But we're _YOUR_ idiots!  
  
{In a childish scrowl in green ink}

But we're _YOUR_ idiots!  
  
{In red ink}

Great, now Ness and Link's Mini-Me have been corrupted. Well, I _did_ kinda get corrupted by an idiotic babysitter once when I was a toddler. Even when I was that young, I _knew_ that Sain happened to be a big idiot. I felt so sorry for Kent, having to put up with (in)Sain. It's kinda funny when you hear a kid singing "99 Bottles of Beer" at the top of his lungs. BUT THE POINT IS THAT NESS AND THE OTHER LINK ARE CORRUPTED IN A BAD WAY!!! Must find the source!  
  
OH NO!!! Crap, I'm soooo dead! It's _my_ turn to cook tonight. Marth was suppose to cook on Tuesday, but we all got a day off for my b-day (I'm so LOVED!), so he cooked yesterday. Pretty good. Now it's my turn. I hate cooking. I can't cook even if my life depended on it. I remembered the first time I even cooked. In my army, we took turns cooking and I had to do it once (and ONLY once). I decided to cook lotsa barbequed beef, chicken, and pork. Yes, good ol' artery-clogging meat! The thing was, though, is that I kinda left them cooking for a little _too_ long. Basiclly, I burnt all the meat I wanted to cook. After that, all the good cooks in the army wouldn't let me help them. Well, I was afraid to _under_cook them... Oopsie.  
  
I think I should do something simple. I know! Hamburgers! Barbequed one- pound burgers! Yes, a big, fat, juicy barbequed burger! Seems simple enough. Ok, so I like to eat lotsa meat, so sue me!  
  
{Black markings and barbeque sauce all over this section of the page}

So I'm not like 99% of the men in the world who can grill meat perfectly. I (accidently) set fire to the grill. Burnt all the meat, bottle of barbeque sauce leaked all over my clothes. I'm all charred because I poured all the gasoline onto the charcoal to make the fire go more. As a pyromaniac, I _know_ that you shouldn't use a lot of flammable liquids on a fire or you'll regret it. Why didn't I listen to my pyro senses when they were tingling? Marth's rolling with laughter. Now that I think about it, his laughing kinda reminds me of a chihuahua. A baby _girl_ chihuahua. Perhaps Italian'll do?  
  
{Pasta sauce all over this section of the page}

Aww, man. I can barely see! My eyes are watering like _crazy_! Stupid onions. I've cut some garlic, mushrooms, olives, and onions for the pasta sauce. After I got the sauce going (it was a jar of sauce), I put the pasta in. I taste-tested my dish and found the pasta weird. It was hard as a rock! How come mine wasn't like the Olive Garden kind?! Chihuahua Boy's still at it after finding out about the pasta. BOO-YA! I _nailed_ him/her with the box of pasta! Now, what can I cook that _won't_ go wrong?!  
  
{Some oil stains on this section of the page}

Whomever invented the frozen pizza should be drugged out onto the street and shot. I put oil on the pizza pan, but the bottle slipped outta my hands and spilled all over the place. I got the pizza in and set it for the time that was on the box. Halfway through, I smelled that distinct scent of something burning. I looked inside and saw **the pizza on fire!!!** Oh, geez! That meat pizza went up in flames! What's with me setting fire to the food today?! If it wasn't my job to cook today, then I would be enjoying the sight of the dinners on fire.  
  
I just bribed Luigi to cook for me. He was so happy about my needing of his help that he cooked up an _excellent_ dish! Fried chicken and French fries! My favorite kinda food: FRIED! Yayness! I'm SAVED!!! Time to eat! I'm soooo gonna pig out on this!  
  
CRAP! I have loads of dishes to wash! I hate cooking.  
  
—Roy


	6. Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Sorry for not writing for a few days. I'm (still) recovering from that cursed Adventure Mode. This is what happened. On Friday, I decided to try it on Very Hard. Marth bragged about going through it on Hard, so I decided to top that. It's evil, I tell you. EVIL!

First stage was kinda tough. I got pummeled by crazed, bloodthirsty Yoshis. Luckily, I had a PokéBall that I picked up prior to this. After getting to the flagpole (I ran as fast as I could, then I jumped up to grab it, just like in the games!), I fought Luigi and Peach. I've done this before (on Very Easy) and I was quite surprised to find Luigi instead of Mario. That's when I realized that the time had a 2 in it. Dangit. I barely survived the match. Bonzai Bill's my new friend now.

Second stage was the DK Mini-Me's. I made sure that they stayed on one side of me so that I don't end up in a two-front war. I kept charging up my Sword of Seals and unleashing a **POWERFUL FIRE ATTACK** on them! I sent the lil' monkeys flyin'! One flew into the distance and the other hit the front. Hahahaha!!! Next was the Mondo DK of Death! I ran to the right and it ran after me. It jumped and _missed_ me! King Kong landed in the water (or probably on a poor Klap Trap)! Victory is miiiiiiiiiine!!!

The Underground Maze was quite fun... if you like being huggled by freaky ReDead that smell **_REALLY_** bad. I ended up fighting all five Links, landing in the lava, got shot at by Octoroks, got mauled by Like Likes, got hugged by ReDead (like I mentioned above), until _finally_ finding that stupid Triforce! Next came the battle with Zelda/Shiek. I used the same attack I used on the Mini DKs to finish her off.

The rest was kinda blurred, but the worst was the battle with the Pokémon. I got less PokéBalls to use then on the Very Easy setting! Plus the Pokémon were quite hostile towards me. Almost like the Yoshis. I've been sent flying in how many ways! I've gotten frozen, burnt, flowered, and electrocuted. Frozen was the most painful, because I'm a mamkute. Electrocution was the second most painful. I actually _enjoyed_ being burnt. Yes, I'm insane. Third degree burns is the funnest thing for me! =)

After my trip through the "_Deep_ South", Dr. Mario gave me pain killers and an excuse to lay around and be a lazy bum. He called that "bed rest" and "refrain from doing alot of strenuous activities". So no more matches for me until I get better. Since then, I've been bored outta my mind. Marth comes in around every hour to check up on me and to get me some grub (the hunger has gotten so bad that it's to the point where I wished that I was being pummeled by the Pokémon again). Some of the other Smashers came in once in a while to say hi to me. I'M BORED! I got so bored that I actually read a _yaoi_ fic and _enjoyed_ it! Yes, I curse yaoi and yaoi fangirls to oblivion and yet I enjoyed that cute Kurama/Hiei fic. GAHH!

Moral of the entry is to NEVER, EVER do Adventure Mode on Very Hard unless you want every bone in your body broken/bruised and read yaoi fics until you get better.

—Roy


	7. Sunday, August 15, 2004

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Whew! It's been a while since I've written in here! I hid it from my psycho roommate then forgot all about it! Whoopsie! Where do I begin…? Oh! I'm all better from my experience from doing Adventure Mode on Very Hard! I think that Kai/Kai's grandfather fic _finally_ pushed me over the edge. I was up and about a few days later. Of course, I was still limping for a while.

Guess what? Right now, the Pokémon are having some kinda wild party with their Poké-pals! I just went outside to gorge on some barbecue food and of course Marth had to go after me, lecturing me about not eating everything in sight! (I only wanted chicken… and tortilla chips… and hot dogs… and punch… and, aww heck with it! I wanted everything!) {In blue ink} Roy, you're such a pig! {In red ink} While he was nagging me like Rebecca (my nanny =P) does, one of the Pokémon rubbed against Martha's leg. It was a Magikarp that was curious about why she was yelling at me. Marth took one look at it and started _screaming_ like an old lady! He jumped up onto a chair and looked like one of those housewives that just saw a mouse run by! I was _rolling_ with laughter! Marthy faced the wrath of a scary dark dragon and defeated it like his ancestor Anri, _yet_ he's scared to _death_ of an itty-bitty wittle Magikarp! Then he fainted.

Dr. Mario told all of us in the living room (Marth is in bed, resting) that he had something called (not sure if I spelled it right) "koikinguphobia". When he was telling us this, I just sat there, snacking on a few large pizzas with everything on them and a 2-liter of cherry Pepsi by my side. I thought that "koikinguphobia" was some rare exotic disease that'll strike Marth dead. {Spit marks and chewed pieces of pizza} According to Dr. Mario, this is a fear of Magikarp. When I heard this, I ended up choking on my food! That was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard of! A fear of _Magikarp_?! Geez, Marth's totally mental! He's super paranoid, depressed, a compulsive neat freak, and what Dr. Mario once said "a severe form of gender identity disorder", and _now_ koikinguphobic! And to think that _he_ says that I'm insane! Boy, am I gonna have a field day with this!

Yay, it's summer! There's gonna be a major heat wave this week according to the news! So happity-pippity! Ok, I'm done with this entry. I'm gonna go into the kitchen for some more grub. Those pizzas didn't fill me up and I'm so hungry! GAH!

—Roy


	8. Thursday, November 25, 2004

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Today is one of my most favorite and most beloved holidays EVER! It involves football, tons of food, and… more food! It's… THANKSGIVING!!! Everyone's all happity-pippity today, even the hands! They canceled all battles for the day. How… out of character for them. Oh well, when there's food and football involved, who's there to quibble? Oh, wait. There's that certain someone by the name of Tiara-Boy.

Most of the guys (ok, ALL of the guys cuz Marth doesn't count) are enjoying one of the most entertaining sports ever: FOOTBALL! Of course, sumo wrestling obviously pwns all other sport there is. MWAHAHAHA!!! How weird, even Samus enjoys such manly sports and she's a girl! Crazy… a girl that acts like a boy and a boy that acts like a girl! A paradox!

Marth won't watch it with us. He refuses to come over to the couch and just stand there. He's afraid for some reason. Ok, I just asked him and I quote, "I fail to see what's so fascinating about a testosterone-driven sport where you try to break the other guy's bones before he breaks yours." I asked him about what he thinks about the half-time show and he says (although he hasn't even seen it yet), "Don't those girls get extremely cold during the half-time show?" Hmm… sounds like someone is a little too narrow-minded!

The game was great! Celadon City's Muks v. Goldenrod City's Houdours! It went all the way into overtime before The Muks crushed The Houndours! I _finally_ got Marth to watch at least the half-time, yet he didn't watch it and _not_ complain about some nit-picky thing. The girls' attire got a complete bashing by Marth. He was **_THIS_** close to getting dogpiled by the rest of us cuz he would _not_ shut up! Ay vei…

Since the game's over with, it's time to chow down on some grub like there's no tomorrow! I can't stand on leftovers even EXISTING! Although we're like complete opposites, both Marth and I agree on the fact that people who waste food should be drug out onto the street and shot. Of course, Marth's more likely to take action against the perpetrator than I am. He's the "Killer Neat-Freak of DOOM!!" and I'm the "Crazy Part-Dragon Pyromaniac on Perpetual Sugar-High". Be back after I eat (which may take somewhere between an hour and a day, depending on how much food we have for dinner).

_(Later that evening…)_

Oh. My. God. I've finally pushed the envelope too far. Ugh… I'm currently laying on my bed and on my back, trying to recover enough to go back for seconds… Ok, so it's more like 35ths. I prefer laying on my stomach, but it's not a good idea after stuffing it with 12 birds and enough potatoes to keep the French fry companies going for a year. Alright, so I was exaggerating, but I swear I _did_ ate about 3 turkeys. 25-pounders too. I couldn't even get up because I was so full and tired, so Mewtwo used his l33t telekinetic skills to get me to my room.

Darn it! I'm craving everything again but my belly's too stuffed for anything else! It's like trying to cram a 10 GB file onto a 1.4 MB disk that's already filled with random files and shtuff. Ow… Ow… Is it just my sanity taking a long walk off a short pier or are my pants starting to feel tighter around the waist?

This sucks. The only thing I hate about getting the chance to eat like mad is feeling full and bloated. If Marth comes in here to taunt me with a slice of pumpkin pie topped with sweet whipped cream, _(Water marks on page)_ then I'm gonna kick his… wait, I can't even sit up. I'll just pray that he drops it on his shoes or something.

Need…more…turkey…!

—Roy


	9. Sunday, March 27, 2005

Sunday, March 27, 2005

In the beginning of the New Year, I made two resolutions: Stop cussing so much and to write in my journal more. Seeing as how it's already Easter and I've been swearing more and just wrote in this today… Remind me to never make a New Years resolution.

I've read somewhere that like 75 or 80-something percent of people bite the ears off the chocolate bunnies first. Not true here! Everyone does it! It's funny. Well… not when you first wake up, ready to pig out on candy then discover that someone else (**Marth**) bit off your rabbit's ears! Shoot! I was gonna get his bunny first! At least I have more bunnies! Mwahahahahaha!

The kids are having an Easter egg hunt in the backyard. The funny thing is that the Pikmin live in the backyard and they were stealing the eggs! We discovered that after like 10 minutes of "I can't find any eggs! Where're the eggs?" The pesky lil' Pikmin nearly took them into the Onion. A hilarious example of the "Man Versus Nature" conflict arose between Falco and the Pikmin. Let's just say that he should be thankful that they're not those killer ants from that one story… What's it called? "Len-something Versus the Ants"…?

Man, I just had a bad memory after looking at a bunny rabbit! When we were kids, Marth stole a bunny from a vendor once. After his dad made him return it, Marth was NOT happy! The worse thing was that he believed that it was all MY fault and decided to take it out on me. I don't remember exactly HOW many times I've been pushed down the stairs, but I remembered him making me slip and fall when I had ice cream. What a spoiled brat. Good news is that he's stopped looking at my journal! Now I'm afraid.

Now if you'll excuse my short entry, I'm gonna stuff myself full of yummy candy.

—Roy


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